I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
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Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
So the ex texted me
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Corn Dogs: Uninserted
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.