Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge

HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?

SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep

My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.

I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.

To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:

Do you want something from the gas station?

*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in

I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.

My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.

I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.

My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.

If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.

problems i need

Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:

Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.

my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?

ㅤ

Friends: Come have a drink with us!

Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.

Friends: C’mon, just one!

Me: Okay, maybe just one…

[ 11 drinks later ]

Me:

WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

townsfolk: you should come to the festival

me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?

townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?

me: oh i’m going regardless

Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.

I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.

Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.

me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.

If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept

It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man

Music Party with the wee ones

Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.

5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid

So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.

At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead

It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans