Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to get a woman:

1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving

She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.

Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.

[making out after date]

Her: Should we go back to your place?

Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet

Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps

[blind date]

Her: so what do you do for fu..

Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words

My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him

Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.

But other times, I’m sleeping.

*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”

*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”

[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”

[wedding reception]

DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE

Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?

IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING

Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.

Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.

If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.

Hmm, not sure about this change

no!! no!!!!!!

Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?

My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.

Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.

Then we met.

Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping

Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert

Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*

Oscar: Hey Urn-ie

6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.

Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn

wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years

Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?

“my eye is up here”

-Illuminati pyramid

Me: What did you do at preschool?

3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.

Me:

3-year-old: I need to lie down.

[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*

I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available

family: we’re having ground turkey this year

me: okay but how do you know that turkey couldn’t fly

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body