Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe

i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.

Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible

Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.

Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*

One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.

“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”

Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?

I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.

10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”

ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]

If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.

I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.

Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family

Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday

Husband of the year 😂

My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.

I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.

My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.

Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.

“Mummy, you look pretty today.”

If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.

Does this dress make me look cat?

Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.

Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.

Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.

If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart

you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames

ㅤ

When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.

Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere

Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

5: can i play the wii?

me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?

5:

me:

5: but she’s still sleeping!!

me: i don’t want to die today.

[first date]

me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes

my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”