Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.

i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell

My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.

me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it

5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks

How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.

[at a party]

host: would you like a tour

me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”

Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?

“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”

Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?

Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night

Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex

Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%

*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”

Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?

Proctologist: no

Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.

“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.

*Don’t Walk sign flashes*

Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”

I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?

Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.

At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game

I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have

It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.

As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.

Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”

And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”

We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.

I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.

I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.

According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even

At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”