I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
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My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school