i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
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[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.