i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
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Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
#Thanos #MondayMood
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
What’s a Messi?
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.