i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
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Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins