i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
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new record!
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
😾
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology
yall want some gasoline milk
oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead