i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
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YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?
Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?
Me: Probably not.
Friend: PROBABLY?
Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)