I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
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Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Cake safety first. Always.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow