I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
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your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture