I used the label maker
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*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
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I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Stick it to the man
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?