I used the label maker
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no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Me: “you can’t just buy my forgiveness with cheese”
2 minutes later Me: “ok you can, this is some damn good cheese”
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Noted.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
s
oc
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google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
British people be like I’m Bri ish
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
the zen of frog
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.