I used the label maker
You Might Also Like
🤣🤣🤣
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.