I used the label maker
You Might Also Like
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.