I used the label maker
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Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Bring back the McRib
remember
only for emergencies
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids