Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.

friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?

fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying

Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.

if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way

Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here

Just found out my wife is pregnant.

Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus

“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.

Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”

The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.

Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets

[Family BBQ]

Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!

Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.

All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…

A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.

~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day

me: [offering joint] wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before

I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.

Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.

My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2

The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime

Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgrace

I was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face

Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.

I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.

Like on Amazon or in our house?

[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]

*at dinner table*

Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’

Her:

Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’

my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]

Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long

just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond

Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!

when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table

Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage

“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?

I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.