I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
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Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens