I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
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Self-cleaning conscience
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
How dude HOW?!
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
they really do be looking like this
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Breaking news:
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.