I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
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Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.
It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
🤣🤣🤣
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69