i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
You Might Also Like
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?