Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead

8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?

Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.

Mike:

Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office

Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees

FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone

“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”

“Omg. Where is he now???”

“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”

Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?

Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered

Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”

My wife:

*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!

“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP

[my first day at the spa]

*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*

Listen, I hate you…

I’m just not… IN hate with you.

Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

[before animals were invented]

plants: this is nice

A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.

People say “Home is where the heart is”.

Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.

Idiots.

After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one

Creator of Etch A Sketch:

We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.

name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture

Coworker: did you get a tan?

Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan

Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.

Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.

I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.

my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there

Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.

Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.

Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.

* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.