My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
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Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
I like long walks away from everyone
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.