@AllieA

I used to accidentally hold hands with strangers I mistook for my dad. It’s slightly weirder now that I’m in my 20s and doing it on purpose.

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@DBMaxP

Who said losing weight was difficult?

“Hello Blood Center? How much longer before I can donate another pint?”

@mister_blank

handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.

clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.

me: same as him.

clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.

@Gupton68

C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.

@PeachCoffin

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you

@GuyThe_Guy

So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?

@koalaslament

I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.

@ThatsSarcasm

*Picking up my kid from school in 20 years* Me: Yo shawty leggo. Kid: Please no. Me: Stop hating YOLO. Kid: You’re embarrassing. Me: Swag.

@BradSheffield

Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns