I used to accidentally hold hands with strangers I mistook for my dad. It’s slightly weirder now that I’m in my 20s and doing it on purpose.

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Who said losing weight was difficult?

“Hello Blood Center? How much longer before I can donate another pint?”


handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.

clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.

me: same as him.

clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.


C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.


I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you


So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?


I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right


I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.


*Picking up my kid from school in 20 years* Me: Yo shawty leggo. Kid: Please no. Me: Stop hating YOLO. Kid: You’re embarrassing. Me: Swag.


Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns