I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
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Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Y’all know who you are.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
If you want to avoid dementia, choose parents without it in their genealogy. Science shows everything is genetic. Especially intelligence
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Finally, a door that understands me
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose