I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
I think I’m having a stroke
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I’m so full I could puke a horse
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
