I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
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Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
christening a ship with an overripe banana
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.