I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
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They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
[wedding vows]
Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
*opens fortune cookie*
“REDACTED”
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.