Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about

Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.

trainer: how long can you plank?

me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh

Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.

[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit

*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*

“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”

Wife: *packing a bag*

Me: Where are you going?

W: I’m leaving you for my boss

M: Don’t go—

W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind

M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note

W: I despise you

My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample

My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.

I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.

Him: What are you doing?

Me: Tweeting.

Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.

Me: *stare*

Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*

inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no

I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.

Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.

Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.

when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:

A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent

Don’t let herpes become yourpes.

WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.

*3 years later*

Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.

I threw a ball for my dog.

May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.

4yo: I had a dream about u mommy

Me: I feel so special

4yo: I flushed u down the toilet

7: mom look I got my math test back!

me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!

7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?

me: …like I said, said proud…

reasons white people riot:

1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins

me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.

my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?

gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”

If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.

If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.

If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.

My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.

“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.