Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.

If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too

Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel

Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated

Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.

1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.

me: the clogged sink is over here

plumber: (crawls under sink)

me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no

Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.

Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.

[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.

“I Got a new dress for date night!”

Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*

“This is the garment bag you idiot”

I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.

me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags

me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis

Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.

Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that

“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”

-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch

*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*

*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*

…they just keep sending more…

Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.

I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”

My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.

I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.

Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans

I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.

ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon

Me: love it

ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon

Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes

ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon

Me: that’s an amer-

ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon

Me: goddammit

I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.

What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

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A pool table