I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
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Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:
“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”
And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
These aliens are taking forever.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
