I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
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Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
I hate my earbuds.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni