Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.

The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.

People often mistake me for an adult because of my age

I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.

It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.

I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.

never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again

grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk

I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.

I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?

how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles

Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME

Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you

Hey boy, are you a software update because not now

“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.

I have no idea what I’m doing.

There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.

“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”

typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully

Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?

My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—

Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!

Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔

I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.

I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window

Veteran Parent Tip:

Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house

Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?

That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.

Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere

Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”

[commercial for babies]

*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*

Narrator: don’t you hate this?

As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.

“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf