Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?

me: *deep breath*

therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up

me: *slow exhale*

My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.

I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.

Jumps into shower

Shower : I have a boyfriend

I wish I were a British fighter pilot.

Those dudes are Royal AF.

Boy never ceases to amaze me

Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?

Me: I LOVE STAR WARS

BF: which was your fav

Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone

Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.

I need a sleep apnea machine, but I have no room in my bedroom. Unless of course I get rid of my movie theater butter pump or my Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville blender.

Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded

Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?

Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus package

Me : 🤦🏾‍♂️

Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.

CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now

Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.

Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.

cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit

It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”

I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.

what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question

Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?

Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨

kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle

Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.

[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have

*watches a movie with you*

*loudly beeps during all the good parts*

new dr. seuss book dropping:

Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!

how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.

I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”

I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”

When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?

I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.