I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
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It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun