Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.

Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.

6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.

I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!

Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.

Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.

I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.

Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.

If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.

your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go

Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.

[126 minutes]

Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter

As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.

Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?

My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.

Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth

Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.

Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.

Body: Maybe drink water? Just once

I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe

[sees my dentist in the store]

*really loud fake phone call voice*

me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk

I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.

Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.

[ first date ]

her: i like a man who plans financially for the future

me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later

Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you

[aliens talking]

“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”

#BrexitIn5Words

He’s just not into EU

My favorite exchange on Twitter today.

I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.

Operator: what’s your emergency

Me: my fridge fell on me

Operator: is anything broken

Me: some eggs maybe

When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail

Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!

[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held

EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.

WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?

ME: *Muffled* No.

WIFE:

ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.

I may appear calm on the outside…

…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.