I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.
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Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it