I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
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[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Picking up some anvils, tunnel paint, and dynamite balloons
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
the council will decide your fate
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both