I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
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God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method