Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉

Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development

[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*

[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share

Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now

Me: Please don’t

Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰

Me: Omg 3 please

I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?

Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.

200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*

COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?

ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.

I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.

Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.

I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.

Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.

Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.

who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area

How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.

NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS

“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”

– How to put on glasses.

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood

Hunting for buried treasure but it’s just me cleaning underneath my couches

life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS

*gets on knees and prays*

Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International

“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”

MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT

“Did you check his hand?”

NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait

doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …

Me: give it to me straight doc what is it

doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password

There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.

My mom: why are you being so defensive

Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better

To clarify:

DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.

DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.

Hope this helps!