Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?

me: WTF all the shelves are empty

sales guy: yeah this is Ikea

Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”

[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves

I’m giving up alcohol for a month.

Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :

I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.

ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics

I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.

Going to church you guys need anything

People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated

Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.

In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.

Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”

Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?

The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath

Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.

Dr: do you know why you gained weight?

*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*

Me: no, better run some tests

I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.

[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]

Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out

Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?

“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“What?”

“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“What happened to the to?”

“It split.”

Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:

6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out

No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.

“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”

If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.

The more you know

God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?

I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.

The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’

Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.

i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”