I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
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I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Thaw me like one of your french fries
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
aesthetic
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
I’m good, thanks.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.