Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.

I need to remind myself daily that I am pretty awesome and that I can do absolutely anything.

Except reach the top shelf, I can’t do that.

Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE

Kanye West Presents:

KANYE ON BROADWAY

Featuring:

“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”

i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”

*cooking dinner*

Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.

My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit

(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside

Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed

Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it

Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?

Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*

Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes

yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration

There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?

And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.

Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher

Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.

I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”

me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again

People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.

Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!

An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.

Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.

Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets

Me: Hold my goat

[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

[1931]

Him: we should name this time period

Me: the good depression

Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”

Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out

Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised

I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.

I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.