I used to be married, but I’m better now
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Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
My wife is talking about the seriousness of hazardous waste and I’m eating ham (that I hid in a tricky corner of a fitted sheet while pretending to fold it) and wow it’s crazy, right?!
*slowly chews the ham*
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
CUTE CAT‼︎
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.