Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.

I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle

My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.

It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it

CW: can i ask a stupid question

ME: sure u seem qualified

Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car

If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second

I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.

-me, about to break the dryer

I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.

insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time

[first person to see an ostrich]

Check out that chicken horse.

When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”

Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!

*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*

I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest

For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.

In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM

Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.

But is it really??

Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.

*offers Batman cough drops*

[invention of croutons]

Let’s make eating salad hurt

The doctor asked if I was sexual active.

I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.

t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t

~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.

The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks

Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know

Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.

Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.

Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.

Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.