I used to be married, but I’m better now
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I’m ready for Halloween this year
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
i choose….tongue
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out