I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
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I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
It’s my cracking, popping joints that has unfortunately kept me from my career as an unexpectedly hot assassin
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
My wife treats me like a check engine light
She does something that turns me on
Then ignores me and hopes I go away
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom
Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.
9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?
me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.
9yo: like clothes?
me: no they don’t have clothes there.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.