I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
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I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to
saw that musical. didn’t care for it.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
I bet birds love this building.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!