I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
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If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !