Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find

Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything

[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another

I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.

I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair

My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”

Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.

[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]

*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?

Impervious: being an admitted pervert

Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.

Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.

We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.

[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]

When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.

We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.

How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people

Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off

Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward

Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.

I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me

If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.

Me: I’d like to see your music zebras

Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day

[Watching the news]

This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.

RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed

Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”

-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.

ME: I wasn’t invited to the party

FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic

ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone

*waits to answer so he misses me*

(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough

[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]

30 seconds later…

Kid: Look mom fur angels

Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment

dinosaur: omg a meteor

t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*