I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
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I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Traveler’s camo
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.