Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”

Me: SPIDER!

Brain: Nope, fluff.

Me: SPIDER!

Brain: That is a fly.

Me: SPIDER!!!

Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.

There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce

The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no

Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.

Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary

Mom: But…how?

Cop: Maybe get a cab?

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.

The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.

Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards

My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT

cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov

I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her

I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.

It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them

My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it

Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.

Lesson learned

I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.

After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.

PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.

I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.

trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?

We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.

Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.

*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*

Me: Yes, “nice.”

Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.

It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.

People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.

Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.

I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business

Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.