I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
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I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s