I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
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I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
called in thicc to work this morning
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*