I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
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there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
It’s my emotional support 16 unwashed coffee cups in the sink
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”
AI results, “Remove leg”
My colleague struggled to say “think before you speak” and kept saying “speak before you speak” and I had to physically remove myself so I wouldn’t speak before I speak.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!