I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
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IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Worst Native American name ever.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*
Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.