I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
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I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Speechwriter: I have your speech ready, sir. “87 years ago—“
Lincoln: Whoa whoa whoa hang on…
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Going into Monday like
Twitter is an abusement park.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.
I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
murder is like cilantro. you either love it or it tastes like soap.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.