I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
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I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.
-husbands everywhere
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?