Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Me as a babysitter]

ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out

HER: My son is Robert

ME: We have 2 problems

I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying

If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.

cat: *plays fiddle*

cow: *jumps over moon*

dishes: *run away*

farmer: *sets down bong*

2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics

“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating

Look, a pure bread cat!

If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.

My clothes don’t fit anymore.

There’s only one possibly explanation.

America is shrinking my clothes.

Me: A problem shared is half solved.

Invigilator: sit in the front.

Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany

we don’t make people walk the plank like we used to

[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*

i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer

me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman

also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers

The inventor of perforated paper has died.

RIP

me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?

Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.

I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.

You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back

Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)

Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh

I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.

I was standing in the train station when some guy came up and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.

I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”

The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999

You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.

I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another

No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.