Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”

Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.

going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”

I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.

The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.

I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving

Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.

Did I do that right? I don’t get it.

Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions

Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.

[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD

My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee

I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate

I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards

*watching Hoarders

Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.

Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.

Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?

Me: Your head.

Ain’t no mountain high enough

Ain’t no valley low enough

Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough

To keep me from yooou

In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.

Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am

We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair

I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.

An owl showing some catlike behavior.

Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?

Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking

I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????

a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky

If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”