Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds

Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

respect

I highly suggest that you do not google that term.

Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.

Me: She is going to be exhausted.

Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.

Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this

People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”

*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”

*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!

trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”

Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.

Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?

Him: Yes.

Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.

Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.

The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds

Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69

Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy

Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally

I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.

Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down

“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”

FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you

SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet

I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.

Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.

Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?

1: GENIUS!

axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable

Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”

Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character