Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Next time can you make something I like?”

*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch

I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice

He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!

Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.

Me: *hits snooze on alarm

Life: *sets off smoke detector

Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!

ME: are those new shoes?

HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…

ME: *tearing up* yes?!?

HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how

Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.

My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account

my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.

we only have two cats.

I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.

Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.

Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow

I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking

2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.

What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.

#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe

I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.

me: “it hurts when i pee”

doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.

My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.

COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?

PLAYER: 2020.

COACH: Correct. Who is the president?

PLAYER: I don’t know.

COACH: Also correct.

I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.

Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?

Me: Yep.

D: But how can you be so sure of that?

M: I’ve seen them in museums

D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.

Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?

Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.

My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.

Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.

But like, scarily. Or whatever.

*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope

ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)

SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?