Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.

Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”

Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.

Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.

Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.

my dog: shlop, shlop

me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick

my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP

Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”

This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen

3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.

It’s 5050.

If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.

I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.

Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?

“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss

i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up

One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.

Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.

*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]

Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.

[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop

Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.

Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.

Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: no, not really-

ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]

He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”

The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.

I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.

the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no

Toxic snake

I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.

Lol.

[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]

Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up

If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.