Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit

I’m a kleptomaniac

It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it

When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.

Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.

[interview]

“Any special talents?”

I can unlock any fingerprint reader

“By hacking?”

[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes

Whenever I sing by myself in the shower or the car, I sound like a pop star. But when I sing around other people, I sound awful. Clearly, other people’s ears must be the problem.

I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.

No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.

The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.

Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*

Me: My eyes are up here.

If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.

I’ve already accomplished* so much today

*been afraid of a goose

Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?

Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.

I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.

me: everything has bluetooth these days

dentist: no ya that’s not normal

Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?

my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!

also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!

My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’

Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?

I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.

It still works 🤷🏼‍♀️

Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO

Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart

Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck

In their other hand

A charcuterie board is just dry soup

Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol

Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.

Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!

I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.

I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.