Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
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this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
My flabber has been gasted.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Perfect
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
May have had one breakfast too many
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.