I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
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I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Get in loser, we’re going overthinking
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—