I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
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If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*