I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
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I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Breakfast in bed.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
What do you text your spouse?
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Stupid cow blocking the road. HOW DAIRY!
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold