I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
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Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
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every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
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Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
the #horror is real!
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4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
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Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
this is the best day of my life
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This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever I’d probably give it my best shot
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2