Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter

When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.

If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?

Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”

Me:

6: I hate corona virus!

Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.

6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!

Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.

Nick’s coming over

Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?

*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE

I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie

“Girl, same.”

– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.

Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks

INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.

What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?

A parsnip.

her: i’m leaving you
 
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
 
him: who ar- wait what

When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”

Me:

I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.

My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.

NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.

I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.

Well played, little dude. Well played.

Me: *stressed

My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?

Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.

3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh

Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?

Judge: Granted

Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*

Roomba: *revving suction noises*

One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed

Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.

“How many people have you slept with?”

– Someone who wants to hear a lie

Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine

in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on

wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding

Me: I did a line!

Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo

Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what