@SteveSuckington

I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt

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@stuckinaportal

[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”

politician: i don’t get it

@Wine_Honey1

Pro tip: If you smear your lipstick all over your face like the Joker, people won’t talk to you.

@WilliamAder

“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”

@seanforhire

if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.

@anerdonfire2

As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.

@causticbob

what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy

@GrantTanaka

“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”