Such acute joke.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
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“there are some things that money can’t buy”
politician: i don’t get it
Pro tip: If you smear your lipstick all over your face like the Joker, people won’t talk to you.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”