I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
You Might Also Like
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
*mops up wine with cat*
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud