I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
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If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.