I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
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I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Love bombing?
I’ve never even been love water ballooned
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.