I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
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Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
LOL
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Not all heroes wear capes…
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.