I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
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I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown