Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.

In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.

I am thick and tired. 🙄

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run

Armadillo: Go on without me

Snake: no just-

Armadillo: @

Snake: Wait where the hell are you

Armadillo: @

Hitting it from behind is just how I drive

My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off

*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!

*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!

Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.

“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”

I finally found a reason to live again.

Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers

Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*

being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief

Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”

Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?

Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means

[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it

*first day as a cop*

What if they arrest me back

Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study

launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076

“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”

“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.

The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.

I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up

Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.

A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.

[in the insect dissection room]

Your fly is open.

If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.

“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.

In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.

I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.